Background
The Earl uses a very scientific and statistically reliable rating system, and it has nothing at all to do with whim, phases of the moon, or general fancy…
There are two categories of rankings, each with several subcategories. All ratings will be given on a scale of 1 to 5, 1 being the lowest and 5 being the highest. As time goes on there’s little doubt that there will end up being sub-subcategories, contradiction heaped upon contradiction, and many judgments based solely on either alcohol and/or whether the Steelers won or lost.
The ratings are based upon the opinions and subjective tastes of the Earl. Some of these subjective tastes are:
- The Earl prefers hot sandwiches to cold sandwiches. For cold sandwich ratings, the Earl will yield to a proxy-rater.
- The cleanliness of an establishment is not a large concern to the Earl. Some of the Earl’s best meals have been in third-world shacks, and worst in first-world altars of cleanliness.
- Healthiness is not a concern for the Earl. Sandwiches are nourishment for the spirit, not necessarily the body.
What this all means is that you may not agree. If you take objection to anything the Earl writes about a particular sandwich, the Earl reserves the right to gently remind you to go frak yourself.
The Rating System
Category 1: The Sandwich
Bread: As the partner of the Earl canonically pointed out, the bread is what holds the sandwich together. It is oft-overlooked, and tends towards the extremes. When it is good, it makes the sandwich spectacular. When it is bad, even the finest quality sandwiches suffer greatly.
Creativity: Creativity is the weapon that destroys sandwich mediocrity. A finely crafted sandwich is as much of an art form as painting, writing, or Dance Dance Revolution. It is what makes a local sandwich shop a place that not only provides customers with a life- and spirit-sustaining meal, but also the opportunity to watch an artist create a masterpiece. Creativity is to a sandwich like quality brewing is to beer…without it, it might as well just be pee in a jar.
Post-Sandwichus: How did it make the Earl feel afterward? Satisfied? Hungry? Cuddly? Where is the Pepto-y? Naughty? The Earl will provide all the gruesome details.
The Sandwich Overall: Taking everything into account, the utterly subjective rating of how good the sandwich was.
Category 2: The Shop
Ambiance: Includes elements such as the decor, music, vibe of the other patrons, etc.
Service: A great local sandwich shop is a place of controlled and artful mayhem. The cooks are in front of the griddle flipping and chopping a dozen or so sandwiches at once, orders are being shouted and written haphazardly, everyone is moving every which way in tight quarters, and when taken in from a distance, it all comes together as a elegantly choreographed dance. When done well, at least.
Local Pride: As you know, the Earl is a great supporter of local business, and nothing warms the Earl’s heart more than seeing local businesses supporting other local businesses. This can include things like serving local beer, other local drinks (Turner products, local soda, etc), advertising for other local businesses/organizations, and so on. High marks for Local Pride can also be earned by flagrant displays of Pittsburgh awesomeness.
Highlights: As a non-numerical rating, this is where the Earl will point out other notable things about the establishment being reviewed.
The Final Verdict: After all is done, the numerical ratings will be averaged to give a final overall rating for the particular sandwich outing. Extra points may be given for highlights or any other thing that may or may not be rational or justified.